Fake carols to fit our current not-so-Christmassy timeline

Back by no popular demand whatsoever, here are my semiannual fake carols.

Away in the Danger

A family’s in danger

Awake in their beds.

They’ve got to be quiet

Don’t tip off the feds.

Spotlights from the sky

Look down where they lay.

The parents of Jesus

Need papers to stay.

The neighbors are yelling

“ICE, please go away!”

The feds are surrounded

Til they fire pepper spray.

The agents bust in

The family is found.

They’re pulled apart quickly

And dragged through the crowd.

I love you my country

But it’s hard to be proud.

When we kidnap good people

Because they are brown.

Can’t Rest You Sullen Gentleman?

Can’t rest you sullen gentlemen?

What fills you with dismay?

Has being manly Alpha men

Chased women all away?

Your dating profile that they see

Is pure misogyny.

O You think you are just like Andrew Tate

Manly man Tate

O that’s why you cannot get a date.

O what’s wrong you sullen gentlemen

Can’t find the right trad wife?

There just aren’t many partners

Who want that kind of life.

If you demand they ditch their rights

You’ll be alone most nights.

O big jugs of testosterone

Ordered by phone.

O that red hat’s the reason you’re alone.

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Rudolph the Big Masked ICE Thug

Rudolph the big, masked ICE thug

Wore no ID on his clothes.

No badge and no court order

Shooting pepper spray as he goes.

All of the other ICE thugs

Roll around in big black trucks

They stop and grab some people

Who gave power to these … agents.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Stephen Miller hatched a plan.

Rudolph with your mask so tight

Won’t you raid a church tonight?

Then all the ICE thugs loved him

But the churchgoers sure got mad.

Some kids on Christmas morning

Awoke without a mom or dad.

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I saw three ships

I saw three ships come sailing in

On Christmas Day, On Christmas Day.

An airstrike blew them all away

On Christmas Day in the morning.

The boats were full of drugs, they said

On Christmas Day, On Christmas Day.

Their cargo should fill us with dread.

On Christmas Day in the morning.

Some guys aboard the boats survived

On Christmas Day, On Christmas Day.

But a double-tap strike would soon arrive.

On Christmas Day in the morning.

There were some questions asked that day.

On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day.

‘Quiet, piggy’ the king did say

On Christmas Day in the morning.

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Bad King Long Red Tie

Bad King Long Red Tie looked out

On the feast of Stephen.

Why is it not named for me

And not that loser Stephen?

Brightly shone his gold that night

But the king was cruel

A homeless man then came in sight

Gath’ring winter fuel.

Hey, you minion, stand by me.

Listen to my wisdom.

Yonder loser who is he?

Tramping in my kingdom?

“Your grace, he has no home at all

“A flimsy tarp for cover.

“Lives beneath a viaduct

“Near your gilded tower.”

Are there not encampments near

To hide this man away?

No one wants to see the poors

On this, our Trumpmas Day!

Go and find a royal cop

To arrest this vagrant.

He deserves some prison time

For a crime so flagrant.

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Last Christmas

Last Christmas I gave you my vote

But the very next month, you drove me away.

This year, to save me from tears

I want you to face impeachment.

Last Christmas, I felt really good.

But by the very next May, what can I say?

Next year, to assuage all my fears,

I’ll vote different in the midterms.

Once bitten and twice shy.

I made an error, but still don’t know why.

Tell me, baby, do you see I’m sorry?

Well, it’s been a year, and you’re still ignoring.

I really thought he’d fight inflation

Which would really help the entire nation.

Now I know what a fool I’ve been.

But if he wants a third term, would he fool me again?

Last Christmas I made the wrong call.

By Valentine’s Day, he drove me away.

This year, to save me from tears,

Please leave and take JD with you.

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We Wish You a Merry Christmas (But We Can’t Let You In)

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year!

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin

Unless you’re from a “s-hole.”

Then we can’t let you in.

No Angola, Antigua or Burkina Faso.

But you’re not from Oslo.

So we can’t let you in.

No Mali, or Syria or Southern Sudan.

And no way, Afghanistan.

We can’t let you in.

No Dominica, Gabon or Sierra Leone.

We’ll pretend we’re not home.

So we can’t let you in.

No Malawi, Mauritania or even Benin.

You’ll get no figgy puddin.’

You can’t have some right here.

No Tanzania, Zimbabwe, Niger or Tonga

We can host you no longa.

We can’t let you in.

No Nigeria, Haiti or clearly Iran

It’s too bad you’re not the Saudis

They can always come in.

No Republic of Congo, or even Somalia.

You’re garbage, one and all of ya.

We just can’t let you in.

Good tidings to you from a nation God blessed.

Why the heck are we doing this?

I bet you already guessed.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com