A very special lineup of Christmas specials

These festive, but fake, shows capture the spirit of Christmas 2013

Todd Dorman
Published: December 22 2013 | 6:05 am - Updated: 29 March 2014 | 1:10 am in
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So “24-Hour Dorman on Demand,” the (fake, satirical) online broadcast arm of this media empire, now announces its lineup of heartwarming Christmas specials. They’re sure to put the egg in your nog, and then the bourbon.

Here’s the lineup.

Festival of Fraud (Crime Drama, 95 mins.) — Iowa Secretary of State Matt Schultz rides along on a magical Christmas Eve journey with Santa, demanding to see children’s photo IDs while also prosecuting naughty kids who fraudulently registered for the nice list. Can he restore the integrity of Christmas?

It’s a Wonderful Life of Metadata (Thriller, 140 mins.) — With his back to the wall, a desperate George Bailey contemplates ending his life. But a kindly National Security Agency staffer named Clarence shows George that, according to thousands of hours of his personal communications data collected by the NSA, he’s really had a wonderful life. “If you had never been born, you wouldn’t have been there to send a Snapchat to your brother warning him about that thin ice on the creek, at 3:45 p.m., on Dec. 5, 2010!” George also learns that he’s not considered a threat to the security of the United States, at least for the time being.

The Christmas Letter — (Drama 120 mins.) Uncle Bob and Aunt Fran’s kids published a novel, shared a Nobel Prize in physics, rebuilt an earthquake-wracked village ... blah, blah, blah ...

White Christmas (Documentary 60 mins.) – Fox News’ Megyn Kelly hosts this jolly in-depth look at Caucasian Christmas traditions that have shaped the holiday since its origin. Hear the sacred story of Jesus’ first Christmas mixer at Bethlehem Golf and Country Club, take an exclusive look inside Santa’s gated North Poll community, jingle your bells to the music of Mannheim Steamroller and witness a truly breathtaking array of molded Jell-O salads.

Scuttle’s Christmas Lesson — (Educational 30 mins.) A playful scamp of a black pup reminds us all of the true meaning of Christmas when x-rays reveal he’s eaten a nativity scene.

Miracle in the House Gym (Drama 90 mins.) — U.S. Rep. Bruce Braley is working out in the U.S. House fitness center on Christmas Eve when he discovers there’s no towel service in the gym! How will he dry off in time for festive fundraisers he must attend tonight? He can’t let down the donors. It will take a Christmas miracle.

Mark Jacobs Gets EmotioNoel (Variety, 60 mins.) — U.S. Senate candidate brings Christmas cheer on an “emotional level," as he tries to put a new shine on some bygone classics. “God rest GOP gentlemen, let nothing you dismay. Can’t talk to female voters? Well I’ll show you the way. To save you all from gender gaps on next Election Day. Be emotional in a manly way, a manly way. Be emotional in a manly way.”

A Christie-mas Story (Drama 94 minds.) New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie wants nothing more for Christmas than a 2016 Iowa caucus victory, with genuine momentum and a boost to his political stock. But no matter whom he asks, no matter what clever strategies and arguments he employs, he keeps hearing the same refrain. “You hugged Obama! You hugged Obama!” Say it again. He triple-dog dares you.

The Gift of the ACA — (Drama 95 mins.) After receiving a notice informing them that actually they can’t keep the health insurance they like, a man is forced to sell his silver watch and his wife sells her golden hair to cover higher premiums for a bronze insurance plan.

Christmas Light Fight, Class Warfare Edition (Reality game show 60 mins.) — The owners of massive homes covered in hundreds of thousands of pulsating holiday lights meet low-income families facing a lean Christmas, and then decide which ones deserve food assistance. The winning families must then hunt for food items hidden inside a maze of dizzying, dancing lights.

Gingerbread Developers’ Baking Secrets — (How-to 60 mins.) Developers share grand plans for gingerbread homes, warehouses, strip malls, manufacturing plants, condos, mixed use developments, etc., and show how they’ll build them — as soon as government delivers the dough.

A Blue Zones Christmas — (Documentary 60 mins.) Writer Dan Buettner travels the world to learn the secrets of fruitcakes that refuse to go bad.


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