War on Christmas Alert -- This is only a test

To your battle stations, but first, a quiz

Todd Dorman
Published: December 8 2013 | 5:05 am - Updated: 29 March 2014 | 12:35 am in
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Are you fully informed about the ongoing battles being waged in the epic War on Christmas? Let’s find out. Here’s a quick quiz:

When someone says “merry Christmas!” he or she really means …

A. A pleasant wish for happiness to you and yours at this joyous, sacred time of year.

B. In your face, liberal heathen.

C. Return the greeting or I’ll deck your halls.

D. Put that in your hemp pipe and smoke it on the solstice.

E. Please, oh please, don’t boycott my store.

When someone says “Happy Holidays,” he or she really means …

A. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, I hope you enjoy it.

B. I want to remove all mention of Jesus Christ from Christmas and destroy the traditional values you hold so dear, bwaaaaaahahaha!

C. I’m on my way to slap an injunction on a manger.

D. I momentarily forgot that we’re locked in a another ridiculous, phony culture war battle capable of poisoning even a polite exchange of friendly pleasantries.

E. Please, oh please, don’t boycott my store.

Recently, the Republican Congressional Campaign Committee sold out of its very clever T-shirts with what slogan on the front?

A. “Happy Holidays is what liberals say.”

B. “Feliz Navidad is what illegals say.”

C. “White beard, red suit, cantaloupe calves. What’s in the bag, old man?”

D. “Obamacare, Obamacare, how lovely are your glitches”

E. “Are there no prisons?”

The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee has responded with shirts saying what?

A. No shirts have been made.

B. “Oh yeah? At least our name isn’t ‘Reince Priebus.’”

C. “The North Pole — Finally, one that doesn’t show us totally tanking in the midterms.”

D. “Santa, tell us more about your analog customer service system.”

E. “If you like your snowman, you can keep it!”

A “Franking Commission” in the U.S. House of Representatives has ruled that members now can include what in their official mailings to constituents?

A. A holiday greeting.

B. A “dysfunction rebate,” returning a portion of their pay to taxpayers.

C. A commemorative chunk of the debt ceiling.

D. The words “compromise,” “agreement” and “cooperation.”

E. A sincere apology.

In Oklahoma, a state representative has proposed a bill that would allow public schoolteachers to say what without fear of punishment?

A. “Merry Christmas”

B. “Kids, the day you graduate, get out of Oklahoma, as fast as you can”

C. “Hook ’em Horns!”

D. “You little darlings really are busting my chestnuts!”

E. “Our Legislature is full of half-wits.”

Sarah Palin’s recent book chronicling the War on Christmas is titled …

A. “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas.”

B. “Ka-Ching! Cashing in on the Culture War.”

C. “Rudolph the Red State Reindeer meets the Secular Snow Beast.”

D. “I Can See the North Pole from Here.”

E. “Mark as ‘Clearance’ on Dec. 26.”

In the heartwarming movie “Elf,” Buddy says …

A. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.”

B. “If you crave manufactured fear, watch cable news all the year.”

C. “The best way to bring Christ’s love near is saying ‘merry Christmas’ with a self-righteous sneer.”

D. “Teach your kids to be super greedy, spend yourself broke and forget the needy.”

E. “You’re all (beeping) nuts. I’m going back to the arctic.”

Answer key: Tiny Tim says the correct answer is A, every one. Merry Christmas.


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