No one ever asks what would Marc do if he were the coach?
Probably because the answer would be idiotically hypothetical and you’d start falling asleep halfway through. So, with that in mind, what would I do as the coach of each and every Big Ten team? Let’s nap together in the twilight of an NFL Sunday.
(Coach Marc would take everyone out for Dilly Bars after the game. Football is a hard sport, and it calls for a refreshing treat at the end of a long day.)
1) Ohio State (6-0, 2-0*) — Coach Marc: Keep doing what you’re doing, fellas. Hey Simon, get a sack or two. Lookin’ good, Brax. Keep doing that. All good, boys. Last week: No. 1. Next: at Indiana.
2) Michigan (3-2, 1-0) — Coach Marc: Stop doing that, Denard. Keep doing that “run through everyone” thing. Let me put it this way, don’t just chuck it. Don’t do that, Denard, or no Dilly Bars. Last week: No. 3. Next: Illinois.
3) Michigan State (4-2, 1-1) — Coach Marc: OK, Jimeny Christmas, none of you guys are in the NFL yet. Start moving your feet and stop moving your mouths, consarnit. Give the ball to Le’Veon more, OK? Listen to me, I’m your coach. At least act like you’re listening. Last week: No. 5. Next: Iowa (11 a.m. ESPN).
4) Penn State (4-2, 2-0) — Coach Marc: OK, we need more fullback. Turn up the fullback. Mauti, kill. McGloin, who loves ya, baby? OK, who wants Peachy Paterno from the Creamery? C’mon, everyone loves peaches, dammit. Last week: No. 7. Next: Idle.
5) Nebraska (4-2, 1-1) — Coach Marc: Taylor! Taylor! Taylor! Taylor! (That’s one “Taylor” for every interception. A good coach is a neat coach. Like to keep things clean and simple.) Last week: No. 2. Next: Idle.
6) Wisconsin (4-2, 1-1) — Coach Marc: OK boys, tired of this Wisconsin stereotype where we’re all cherubic, jovial folk. Let’s lay off the brandy Old Fashions on Friday nights and start doing some sit-ups. Seriously, would a salad kill you guys? Last week: No. 8.Next: at Purdue.
7) Northwestern (5-1, 1-1) — Coach Marc: OK, give the ball to Kain on three. And let’s just say that’s the play until, you know, it stops working. Kain, can you throw it to yourself? Last week: No. 4. Next: at Minnesota.
8 ) Iowa (3-2, 1-0) — Coach Marc: OK boys, curfew from downtown is 6:30 p.m. Any questions? OK, good. Last week: No. 9. Next: at Michigan State (11 a.m. ESPN).
9) Purdue (3-2, 0-1) — Coach Marc: Robert, you’re in at QB. Defense, last week was a disgrace. I know you’ve got better in you. I hope you have better in you. I have bills to pay. Last week: No. 6. Next: Wisconsin.
10) Minnesota (4-1, 0-1) — Coach Marc: OK boys, that’s enough. Mark Weisman can’t hurt you this week. The bad, bad man won’t come back again until next year. Last week: No. 10. Next: Northwestern.
11) Indiana (2-3, 0-2) — Coach Marc: Good job, good effort. Last week: No. 11. Next: Ohio State.
12) Illinois (2-4, 0-2) — Coach Marc: Boys, I’m not trolling you — whatever that is — when I say, ‘Next year, boys, next year.’ Some of you are soooo sensitive. Last week: No. 12. Next: at Michigan.