Hlastradamus is always a stand-up guy with you people in the year 2012.
Last week, the prophet told you everything looked murky to him. And it did. He only went 2-2 against the Nevada point-spreads. But lest ye scoff at such a pedestrian mark, remember what he said about the Minnesota-Iowa game:
Iowa -7 vs. Minnesota. Say what? Have you seen Iowa play, Hlastradamus? Well, no. The prophet has a weekly golf game on Saturday with members of the National Science Foundation.
He knows Vegas has posted this line because it will take more convincing before the desert people are convinced Minnesota has gone from garbage to good. But he also knows college kids are mercurial, that Minnesota hasn’t played a road game before a crowd that could be considered hostile, and that Iowa has to play well in this game or it could face the kind of depression that plagued Las Vegas when Donny and Marie Osmond became headliners on the Strip.
That’s prescience, peeps. Prescience. But it’s nothing compared to the fortune-telling (and fortune-making) the mighty seer offers this week. For there is no fog atop the crystal ball. Hlastadamus says clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose! Hlastradamus was a Dillon Panther not that long ago.
But the prophet isn’t too full of his amazing self, since he went just 2-2 against the point-spreads last week. That was his poorest showing in four weeks, and it gave him a season-mark of 14-9. Hit on 14 of every 23 wagers in a Vegas sports book, and you can laugh at all the poor people. If you’re a heartless good-for-nothing cur, that is.
The sage sees six winners this week, and here they are:
Wisconsin -14 vs. Illinois. The Badgers haven’t beaten anyone by 14 points. Their wins are by 5, 2, and 11 points, their losses are both by a field goal. They are 99th in scoring and 98th in (gasp!) rushing.
But the foe is Illinois, coming off two straight 28-point losses at home, to Louisiana Tech and Penn State, and lost by 31 at Arizona State. Wisconsin will want to punish someone who is fully capable of being punished, and that someone is Tim Beckman’s Pacifist Illini.
Ohio State -3.5 vs. Nebraska. Welcome to the Horseshoe, Huskers.
Last year, the Buckeyes had a second-half meltdown in their first trip to Nebraska. That will burn in their minds. The Huskers, meanwhile, are fresh off a highly emotional second-half comeback win at home against Wisconsin. The emotion won’t be there this week, just the reminder that they lost to UCLA in their only previous road game of the season.
Missouri -7 vs. Vanderbilt. C’mon. It’s Vanderbilt.
Florida +2.5 vs. LSU. The 4-0 Gators are battle-tested. They have already won two SEC road games, against Texas A&M and Tennessee. LSU’s lone road game was a 12-10 escape against Auburn, the same team that lost 28-10 at home to Mississippi State and got pushed to overtime at home by Louisiana Monroe.
The prophet knows comparative scores are a recipe for suckers, but the Gators have had two weeks to steel themselves for this return to glory.
Oregon -24.5 vs. Washington. The Huskies had their fun last week at home, beating Stanford. But Stanford isn’t Oregon, not this year. And Seattle isn’t Eugene.
It’s a lot of points. But Oregon is a lot of team.
Louisiana Tech -27 vs. UNLV. Normally, Hlastradamus doesn’t foist such obscure games upon you people. He thinks big, and encourages you to do likewise.
But a win is a win. Louisiana Tech scored 52 against Illinois and 44 against Virginia. UNLV, meanwhile, has lost to Minnesota, Northern Arizona, Washington State … Hide the kids for this one, for it will be a bloodletting.
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