These were the very words of Hlastradamus last week, which can be found right here:

Kansas State +14 at Oklahoma. K-State isn’t two touchdowns worse than anyone in the Big 12, anywhere.

The cigarette is a nice touch, no?

Does the prophet know things, or what?

Last week was actually a pedestrian performance by the sage. He went 3-2 on the heels of consecutive 4-1 weeks (Season record: 12-7). But 3-2 in Las Vegas every week will get you the best tables at the best restaurants, assuming you aren’t a $10 bettor. If you do bet $11 to win 10, a 3-2 weekend will get you an $8 profit. Use it to tip your shuttle bus driver after you get returned to the airport, because you don’t sound like a limousine type.

This week, however, Hlastradamus’ crystal ball is cloudier than a rain forest. Nothing jumps out and grabs the seer. So he’s going to make some reaches that defy what you mortals may be thinking.

Iowa -7 vs. Minnesota. Say what? Have you seen Iowa play, Hlastradamus? Well, no. The prophet has a weekly golf game on Saturday with members of the National Science Foundation.

He knows Vegas has posted this line because it will take more convincing before the desert people are convinced Minnesota has gone from garbage to good. But he also knows college kids are mercurial, that Minnesota hasn’t played a road game before a crowd that could be considered hostile, and that Iowa has to play well in this game or it could face the kind of depression that plagued Las Vegas when Donny and Marie Osmond became headliners on the Strip.

Michigan State -3 vs. Ohio State. It’s this simple: The Spartans are at home, the homefield is worth three points, and the Spartans are as good as the Buckeyes . So they’ll win by at least 3.

Just like Iowa, Michigan State is 0-3 against the point spread this year.

We told you the crystal ball was cloudy this week.

Illinois -2 vs. Penn State. The Illini have been chewed up by fast-tempo, spread offenses. That has nothing to do with Penn State.

Northern Illinois -11 vs. Central Michigan. Northern Illinois lost to Iowa. Central Michigan beat Iowa. So naturally, Northern Illinois will dominate Central Michigan. It’s only logical.