Swig Voters - Joe Six-Pack, Timmy-12-Pack and Casey Case

Todd Dorman
Published: September 16 2012 | 4:05 am - Updated: 1 April 2014 | 12:30 am in
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Warning: Satire.

Welcome back to CNN. Our Brad Jones has been following President Obama today and has picked up a very subtle pattern in his itinerary. Brad?

“Thanks, Tom. So far today we’ve been to a beer tent, two sports bars, three breweries, a tailgate party, a fraternity house and, at one point, the president detected the faint aroma of a homebrewer’s boiling wort and led his campaign bus, on foot, into a residential neighborhood to find it. Now, he’s co-hosting a fundraiser with ‘The World’s Most Interesting Man.’ Of course, the president is also packing his own White House brew.”

So, clearly, he’s after Joe Six-pack’s vote?

“More like Timmy 12-pack, Tom. Or maybe Casey Case.”

Do you think the president is trying to portray himself as a regular suds-soaking guy, or is he seeking to draw an ice cold contrast with Republican Nominee Mitt Romney, a non-drinker?

“We asked the president, Tom. Here’s what he said.”

“Interesting theory. But I’ve got a better question. Who wants pancakes? Aww, man, I could go for that. And maybe an omelet. And a huge cheeseburger. Hey, I saw a Perkins back by the Interstate! I’m paying. Who’s driving?”

Brad, has this imbibing seeped at all into his message on the stump?

“A little bit, Tom. Here’s the president speaking today.”

“You know what? You know what? If we don’t win, no worries. No worries. Joe Biden and I have a plan. It is awesome. We’re gonna get one of those big barbecue trailer things and hit the contest circuit. Just beer and ‘cue and buds, you know? We’re totally gonna do that. Yes we are. Yes we can. Next summer ...”

Brad, are his audiences confused?

“Well, Tom, luckily, former President Bill Clinton has been standing next to the president to explain what he’s trying to say.”

Nice assist from the former POTUS. So what does the Romney campaign say about this brewhaha?

“Well, Romney insiders insist they’re not worried at all about the president funneling off support from male beer-drinkers. Although Gov. Romney did open an event in Virginia today by shotguning a can of Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi before smashing it on his forehead and yelling “booooyaaaahhhh!

“Also, a Romney campaign staffer posted this tweet: ‘Obama loves beer. The German Army that invaded Poland loved beer. Coincidence? Hardly.”

Brad, did either campaign unveil any new ideas today for job creation?”

“Sorry, Tom. Can’t hear you over the ‘Four More Beers’ chants.”

 

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