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The Big Ten’s weekend was:

a) Turf toe

b) Groin pull

c) Stinger

d) Strained calf

e) All the above

The answer is e.

1) Michigan State — Darth Dantonio can crush beer cans with his mind. Last week: No. 2. Next: Notre Dame.

2) Ohio State — Darth Meyer can Jedi mind trick your recruits. Last week: No. 1. Next: California.

3) Michigan — Wolverines move up from No. 5 for not losing to Air Force. Not for winning, but for not losing. Last week: No. 5. Next: UMass.

4) Northwestern — Cats won backgammon against Vanderbilt. Or squash or whatever. Last week: No. 7. Next: Boston College.

5) Nebraska — Freshman QB and three frosh OLs helped UCLA put up 653 yards on the Huskers, maybe the blackest of eyes for the B1G this weekend. Last week: No. 3. Next: Arkansas State.

6) Purdue — Close loss? Up, up, up, you go. Last week: No. 9. Next: Eastern Michigan.

7) Minnesota — Highest ranking ever since ever. Last week: No. 10. Next: Western Michigan.

8 ) Wisconsin — Like a kid who just did that bat spin 10 times during a seventh inning stretch. Last week: No. 4. Next: Utah State.

9) Iowa — Joke about selling beer at Kinnick. Last week: No. 6. Next: Northern Iowa.

10) Illinois — The Big Ten next game in the Pacific time zone: The Rose Bowl. That’s not looking pretty, either. Last week: No. 8. Next: Charleston Southern.

11) Indiana — Ugh for Tre Roberson. His tweets seem genuine, showed he is of the community. Bummer on the broken leg. Last week: No. 12. Next: Ball State.

12) Penn State — Remember the scene in “Monty Python’s Holy Grail” that showed the indentured servants packing mud? Last week: No. 11. Next: Navy.