I’m baffled. Five Guys Burgers and Fries is the fastest-growing restaurant chain in the United States.

There are over 1,000 locations open, and more than 1,500 more planned.

Yet, only one is in Iowa as far as I can tell from the company’s website, and that’s in Sioux City.

Why? I’m too lazy to, you know, call Five Guys and find out. Maybe tomorrow. If one of you know, please tell us.

I do know this: If someone in Iowa City or Cedar Rapids was trying to bring in a Five Guys or two and needed a minority partner, Old Mike would be interested. Just don’t ask me to flip the burgers. I don’t want to bring down an empire.

I’m not calling it the Wonder Burger, since ultimately a hamburger is made of ground beef. But I’ve enjoyed them in places as far-flung as Tempe, Ariz.; Augusta, Ga.; Fort Lauderdale, Fla., and Peoria Ill.

Clearly, a lot of other people like them, too. Yet … just one location in Iowa, and none in Des Moines, Cedar Rapids, and the Quad Cities?

Iowa City, in fact, is the only Big Ten city without one. Or will be, I should say, once the soon-to-open Champaign, Ill., location starts doing business.

West Lafayette and Bloomington, Ind.? Yep. Lincoln, Neb.? Uh huh. State College, Pa.? Yessir.

Evanston, Ill, has one. There are 35 other locations within 50 miles of Chicago.

Here is the Five Guys store locator. You may want to thank me later.

Ames is one of three Big 12 cities without a Five Guys. The other deprived towns in that conference are Waco, Texas; and Manhattan, Kan. Manhattan, N.Y., has eight, including one in Times Square.

But getting back to no Five Guys being a short drive from my doorstep: This is an outrage! I demand an explanation, and I demand it now. And by the way, I prefer the cajun style fries over the regular ones.