If Kirk Ferentz tweeted, Iowa would be all a-twitter

Isn't life better with a little mystery left to it?

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March 31, 2014 | 6:40 pm

How to know you aren't in a professional sports market:

An assistant coach of the local college football team tweets that the head coach may soon be tweeting himself, and people (including the media, including me) actually make note of it. Like me, now.

Thursday, Iowa assistant Brian Ferentz (@coachbferentz) posted this:

You will not be seeing our players on Twitter - but expect to see a few more coaches joining the ranks soon. #HeadCoach

I'd rather see the players, thanks. Let me see which are funny, which are smart, which are interesting, which are not. I don't quite get how you can be unafraid to have college kids perform in front of 70,000 people, but are scared to trust them to communicate on Twitter. But that's the college football culture.

Not that I wouldn't love to read or hear what head coach Ferentz really thinks about anything. Which I fantastize would be like ...

@HeadCoachFerentz Give me players from SEC states and SEC admission standards, and I'll tear up any team in the SEC.

@HeadCoachFerentz That song "Back in Black" they play at Kinnick as we head out of the tunnel and on to the field ... am I the only one who thinks it's just a lot of awful noise?

@HeadCoachFerentz It's time for my weekly press conference with the Iowa media, or as I call it, Tuesdays With Weirdos.

@HeadCoachFerentz I have to admit, I just don't get the popularity of "The Big Bang Theory."

The trouble is, Ferentz is too smart for that. So are the vast majority of most coaches who do tweet. Here's a sample from the last week or so:

@CoachDanMullen Great turnout at fca luncheon in jackson. It's an honor to be here.

? @LSUCoachMiles  Congratulations to our guys who were drafted or signed as free agents! I'm proud of all of you!

? @coachfitz51 Congrats to @Jebes11 - drafted by New England- So happy for you and your family! The Wildcat football family is so proud of you!

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@IUCoachWilson Bernard Taylor Selected to BTN's All-Big Ten Spring Offensive Team!!

? @BretBielema Announcing today that our Illinois and MSU games will be 2:30 games on ABC..... Great Badger exposure and tailgaters are happy. On Wisconsin!

@CoachGundy  Congrats to all the Cowboys who were drafted or signed free agent deals. This class of outstanding men had 41 wins in 4 years.

@coachfitz51 Congrats @D_Duns9 - drafted by Tampa Bay! So happy for you and your family! The Wildcat football family is so proud of you!

That's Dullsville, daddy-o.

But if someone in the Iowa football complex opens a Twitter account for head coach Ferentz and slaps up some tweets for him (like you know graduate assistants do for some college coaches), tens of thousands of us will rush to follow him, and will look for truth and beauty in every one of his tweets.

While you're waiting, I suggest following @HLMenckenBot. Here are some of his latest tweets:

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

The only good bureaucrat is one with a pistol at his head. Put it in his hand and it's good-bye to the Bill of Rights.

Firmness in decision is often merely a form of stupidity. It indicates an inability to think the same thing out twice.

Man is not actually happy when free; he is uncomfortable, a bit alarmed, and intolerably lonely.

How does so much false news get into the papers? Because journalists are, in the main, extremely stupid, sentimental, and credulous fellows.

Some people historically did better in 140 characters or less than others.

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